“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” -Groucho Marx

Look, I’ve seen a lot of moronic relationship advice on the internet. But this shit seriously takes the cake. I don’t know who this guy is or what his story is, but since I’m dumber for having listened to the video (Twice! I needed to take notes for this post. See what I do for you?), I’m not investigating him further. I’m sure he’s got other videos out there of an equally low intellectual caliber.

The main point of this video claims that if you’re not married, you’re single. Since marriage is the only thing recognized by the Bible or on your W2, that’s all that counts.

Wait, what?

Before we’re even out the gate here, dude has fucked up. And no, I’m not actually talking about referencing the Bible. It doesn’t mention marital status on your W2. Feel free to look for yourself, W2 and Instructions.

He then mentions that, in the period preceding marriage (aka engagement), it only counts if a dude has put a ring on a girls finger. It seems we’re still stuck on this archaic notion that for a man to demonstrate his love, he has to put a ring one her finger? Jesus H. Christ. I do not need to be fucking purchased. I don’t need you to prove to my father you can support me by providing a dowry. Further, and we’ll get to this later, isn’t an engagement ring a sign of ownership? The author gets his panties in a rather extensive twist over this concept later in the video.

Plus, how many men bitch about women being gold diggers? You think you’re helping that pal? Yeah sure, tell women the only way you know your man loves you is if he drops a few thousand on a diamond. Then you cannot bitch when your woman wants you to buy her shit.

Then, in an utter logical failure, he defines marriage as a “sexual intimate committed relationship.” The definition makes sense to me. Yet, it doesn’t count unless you get that coveted piece of paper from the federal government. Huh?

Dude goes on to blame “TV actors” and “R&B singers” for the misconceptions of marriage in society. I’d actually like to shoulder some of that blame on to romantic comedies and Disney as well. However, his reason for why you shouldn’t look to TV or music for relationship advice is that all TV actors are single in real life or going through bad marriages and R&B singers are single.

He is seemingly unaware that TV shows aren’t just simply actors improvising and R&B signers aren’t “freestyling.” He’s shooting the messager. Blame the script writers and the production companies. Or better yet, blame the consumers for buying into this crap.

Moving on, he describes all “marital acts” that people shouldn’t do outside of marriage. He thinks you shouldn’t act as a married couple, if you’re not married. He also thinks you shouldn’t “lay up under each other for hours at a time.” What the fuck is “laying up under someone?” I assume he means cuddling. I don’t want to do that for hours, single or married. Dude, just be honest about your intimacy issues rather than subjecting the internet to your moronic diatribe.

Blah blah blah, everything in this is dumb, but I’m skipping to the seriously dumb stuff.

He doesn’t think you should have a key to someones apartment if you’re not married, nor be spending time there alone. And really, don’t even get him started on “shacking up.” Apparently, according to his seriously scientific studies on the subject, 1 out of 100 couples who live together before they get married “work.” And those 1% of relationships, according to him, aren’t the healthiest and they are creepy. I’d love to see the peer-reviewed data on that statement.

He goes on to discuss how if someone says they won’t cheat (before you’re married), and they do, you can’t get mad at them. Since they didn’t give their word to God, you can’t get upset. THEN he goes on to say that you should have a time line in your relationship, for example, say you’re going to date exclusively for three months and then reassess the relationship.* He explicitly notes that this is logical. This guy’s shit doesn’t even make sense in the context of his own shit. Why have a three month period of exclusivity, if you can’t get mad at your partner for cheating?

Another marital act people shouldn’t do before marriage is referring to your partner in an ownership term, specifically by referring to them as “my” ____. Again, without that piece of paper, you don’t “own” someone. (This goes back to my previous point about engagement rings. Isn’t that ownership?) I don’t think with that piece of paper you own someone, but I’m just a radical feminist. By that logic, it seems I can’t say things like “my teacher,” “my hometown,” “my school,” “my (rented) apartment,” “my parents,” to “my children.” If you want to be semintaical about it, under his definition of ownership all that really counts are slaves. And do we really want to go there?

Marriage (by which I mean taking your ass to the courthouse and saying “I Do”) is nothing more than a contract. It is a business arrangement. It is a legal binding piece of paper that allows two people to enjoy special tax and legal status. That’s it.

I have no idea what this guys take on homosexuality is, but by his argument all gay people in this country who don’t live in a handful of states, are single. Also, all interracial couples 50 years ago. Clearly, you should listen to the government when it tells you you can’t marry someone.

There is no love requirement to get married. There isn’t even a like requirement. People get married for tons of reason outside of love (and for the presents). People get married for the health insurance or for a green card. Love is mental, marriage is a piece of paper.

*This is actually a good idea.