Archive for the 'Self-Help' Category

Unsolicited Advice

“I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite.” -G. K. Chesterton

I’ve been applying for jobs like, well, it’s my job. Pretty much everyone I interact with knows that I’m looking for work. I’ve been trying every angle I can think of to find work, and…nothing, as of yet. Anyone who has searched for work knows that it can be a draining, emotionally-difficult, frustrating, irritating experience.

But what’s worse than writing and rewriting cover letters, filling out a million inane online applications, and receiving form rejection letters? The “advice” that your friends and family feel the need to offer you.

After smiling and nodding for the forty-second time after hearing that I should apply for jobs in major cities or with big corporations “because they speak a lot of English,” I found myself stifling eye-rolls. As if I was unaware that major population centers would have big companies and big English-speaking populations.

Other really helpful advice I’ve been given is that I should learn to speak Dutch. Since I can, ya know, magically learn another language. And since it also has never occurred to me to learn the language of the country I live in.

I know people are well-intentioned, but after the seventy-fifth time of someone asking me if I’ve looked on expat sites for jobs, I want to pave the road to hell with THEIR good intentions. I’ve had lots of people tell me to follow up, to call or email someone. Now, that’s perfectly good advice if you aren’t applying to big companies or government organizations that specifically tell you NOT to contact the organization, or that don’t provide you with any information other than a generic HR email address.

Ya know, if you’ve got a friend who is job hunting, rather than tell them how you got your job or what worked for your sister-in-law, just buy them a nice cup of tea.

Published on April 2, 2011 in Self-Help. 0 Comments

Marriage Troubles? Call An Economist

“Teach a parrot the terms “supply and demand” and you’ve got an economist.” -Thomas Carlyle

Paula Szuchman has written a book called “Spousonomics: Using Economics to Master Love, Marriage, and Dirty Dishes” and there’s a corresponding blog, Spousonomics. Newsweek published an article by Szuchman about the book.

She has some interesting points about how you can use incentives within your relationship to improve it.

“One key area is incentives, the things that motivate people. Mortgage deductions spur home purchases; salaries entice people to work. My husband’s incentive to close cabinets—avoid nagging—wasn’t exactly “perverse,” but it was backfiring. Turns out, there are better incentives. One is trust, which economists have found can be surprisingly motivating. In one example, people were more likely to donate blood if they weren’t paid than if they were. Who knew?”

Treat your spouse like public policy? Push the correct buttons and they will behave a you want? It’s an interesting concept.

She concludes, however, with spot on advice.

“Sometimes that means going against the advice everyone gave me before I got married: never go to bed angry.

For what it’s worth, going to bed angry is a miracle cure. I stop escalating, get some sleep, and wake up with a clearer head. Nine times out of 10, the dispute gets resolved that morning. It’s called maximizing utility—or, in my house, living happily ever after.”

I don’t know who began suggesting that people shouldn’t go to bed mad but I bet that advice contributes significantly to the American divorce rate. Staying up late and screaming at each other is bad public (or private) policy.

Published on February 14, 2011 in Balls and Chains, Dollars and Sense and Self-Help. 0 Comments

Another Crappy Relationship Piece

“There is no ‘one size fits all’” -Juan Somavia

I never really read advice columns. I never have. Until I discovered Dan Savage, I pretty much thought all relationship advice was bogus. Now I think all of it except for Dan Savage is bogus. Yet I keep finding these examples, over and over, of terrible relationship advice. I’ve written about it a lot. And here’s another one.

Marie Claire is back with more shitty relationship advice. The magazine asked a male and female writer to comment on what texting means in a relationship. The guy’s answer is rather reasonable. He concludes with this:

“At the beginning of a relationship, first impressions can certainly be ruined by poorly conceived texts. Words, when used thoughtfully, can evoke powerful emotional responses in people. Next time you send a text, make sure it’s not just making conversation or replacing what should be a phone call. Messages should be used to elevate conversation. If you can do this, chances are that women will appreciate it, text you back, and look forward to hearing from you.”

Makes complete sense. Texting is another form of communication. Use it wisely. The only thing I wish that he would add is that not all people are the same, and that you’ll have to feel out your partner to see how they feel on the subject. Because I’m very forward, I’ll just tell people I meet that if you don’t text, this isn’t going to work out. I’ve had guys picking me up at the bar just ask whether I prefer to be called or texted.

Then we get to the female response.

She starts with:

“Dating is all about getting personal, and texting is by far the most impersonal method of communication — a girl can’t derive any useful personality traits from a “S’up?” text.”

I’m certainly not denying that texting is less personal than other forms of communication, but as she said, dating is about getting personal, not being as personal as possible right away.

Furthermore, dude, not all texts are “S’up?” The dude who previously answered the question mentioned sending a girl a text that says “Thinking of you.” What person (girl or boy) isn’t going to enjoy that?

The whole question is badly framed. The entire male gender doesn’t have an opinion on texting, and neither does the entire female gender. I way prefer texting over talking. I know other girls who do too. I know guys who love to talk on the phone. But the female response is exceptionally embarrassing.

Published on May 15, 2010 in Balls and Chains and Self-Help. 0 Comments

More Bad Advice

“Frequently, the people most ready and willing to offer you advice are the ones least qualified to be giving it.” -Michelle Johnson

Dear Marie Claire magazine,

You can go fuck yourself.

Sincerely,

Anyone with a goddamn brain.

Here is an article in Marie Claire talking about one night stands. The title of said article is “Why Do We Have One Night Stands?”

So you’d think maybe a researcher into human behavior wrote this article, right? Ya know, someone who who has a scientific background and is going to be all “well, this hormone and that hormone.” You’d be wrong.

Maybe a psychologist or sex therapist? Someone who is an expert on human behavior? You’d be wrong again.

Oh I know, this article must have been written by a snarky sex advice columnist! *cough Dan Savage cough* Three strikes.

Nope, it’s written by a guy who, in his opening paragraph, says:

“I don’t condone one-night stands.”

Wait what? Isn’t that like asking your priest to show you how to put on a condom?

He lists the 6 mentalities that lead people to having a one night stand. Of course, he knows these because he’s had so many one night stands. (Nope, he’s had three.)

And according to our expert:

“The mindsets outlined above are about vulnerability.”

Or, maybe, it’s just about being horny.

Published on April 10, 2010 in Balls and Chains and Self-Help. 1 Comment

Good Marriage Advice

“Marriage is like life – it is a field of battle, not a bed of roses.” -Robert Louis Stevenson

I know that usually I’m bashing relationship “advice.” I do find most of it to be terrible, unhelpful, misleading, and flat out moronic. However, this article from the NY Times is spot on.

I know that it’s old (Dec. 17, 2006) but the advice is timeless. It lists fifteen questions couples should ask before they get married.

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

Some of them are the biggies (Do you want kids?) and some are smaller (TV in the bedroom?), but they all cover areas of relationships that are extremely important.

The bottom line is that for any relationship to be successful, you must communicate. And not just about your day or what to have for dinner, but you have to deal with those big, uncomfortable issues.

Otherwise, you’re going to contribute to the nation’s 50% divorce rate.

Published on November 6, 2009 in Balls and Chains and Self-Help. 0 Comments
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