Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that a child cannot do much harm one way or another.” -Robert Benchley

Jesus?

According to this list, a great number of Hollywood movies are secretly Christian. Since the Bible is essentially a series of parabolic stories with many elements lifted from other religions, it’s not surprising that you can “find” Chrisitan tales in all forms of entertainment. Some of the movies included on the list are obvious. The Book Of Eli, for example, which follows Denzel Washington around a post-apocalyptic wasteland as he preaches from the last copy of the Bible.  For a number of other movies, however, Olympic gymnast style stretching is involved in finding the Christian elements.Logan’s Runmakes the list because Peter Ustinov’s character leads the people out of the city like Moses leading the people out of Egypt. By that logic, any story which involves one character leading other character someplace should be considered Christian. I wonder if that logic would apply if Ustinov lead them to an orgy. Or a pro-choice rally.A Clockwork Orange appears since the chaplain, at the end of the movie, states that people should be free to choose between right and wrong, even if they chose wrong. Which is why so many Christians want to outlaw abortion and gay sex and birth control.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show only makes the cut because the author takes some creative licenses in describing the movie’s ending. According to him, Brad and Janet are “vanquished” from the mansion like Adam and Eve were from Eden. Except they aren’t vanquished. They are released by Riff Raff and Magenta who stage a coup, kill Frank N. Futer and take off in the mansion/space ship. The movie ends with the narrator concluding “And crawling, on the planet’s face, some insects, called the human race. Lost in time, and lost in space… and meaning.” He’s quoting Proverbs, right?

The author concludes that Bruce Willis’ character in 12 Monkeys is a “reluctant messiah” and is therefore similar to the Christ story. In this analogy, Christ is a convicted felon and God is a group of crazy scientists who are forcing said felon to perform dangerous missions to save the world from a virus one of them actually created and released into the population, killing 99% of humanity. Must have been the Old Testament God.

The author particularly enjoys the theme of the “reluctant messiah,” which he uses to justify his inclusion of Aliens 3 as well. Ripley saves a group of prisoners from the alien, killing herself in the process. However, the prisoners needed to be saved by Ripley because she accidentally brought the alien with her in the first place.  Is the author under the impression that Jesus brought all lying and murder and butt sex to Earth?

Finally, and possibly the worse reflection on God, Taxi Driver. The author refers to Robert De Niro’s character as “God’s lonely man” who isn’t simply trying to “do the right thing.” The “right thing” is apparently going on a homicidal rampage after a woman rejects you because you take her to see a sex instruction movie on your first date.

As with most religious justification, the reasons given for including movies are not very well developed. Religion is not based on rationality, which is why most religious people maroon logic on rationalizations like “God’s will.”  And desperately seek meaning in B-rated horror musicals about alien transvestites.

“The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.” -Dave Barry

So, some whackjob pastor in, of course, Florida, is calling for a national atheist registry.

I wonder what operating system the pastor is using since he must be boycotting Windows, Apple, and Linux.