Sex As Love

“Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.” -Woody Allen

“I want to show you I love you…to show you that I appreciate you. I can think of few better ways than make love to you as often as possible.”

I don’t know who runs the To My Husband Tumblr, but she addresses this issue better than I do.

The best way to keep me from making love to you is to refer to the act of fucking as “making love.”

Making love is a terrible term, unless you have the ill-conceived* notion that fucking should be in the dark, facing each other, for the purposes of making a baby. I don’t see sex as an indication of love.  So I’m damn sure not making love.

I’ve had plenty of sex with people I loved and plenty of sex with people I didn’t. I’ve had great sex with people I love, great sex with people I like, and great sex with people whose names I didn’t know. Hell, I’ve had great sex with people I hated. I’ve also had terrible sex with people I love, like, don’t know, and hate. “Making a pleasurable experience for all” would be a much more apt term – when the sex is good,  anyway.

While sex is certainly a great way to show your appreciation for, say, baking your favorite cookies or finally cleaning out the attic, it’s not a great way to show someone you love them. Demonstrating love shouldn’t be an act that you could engage in with a random person from Craigslist. I can fuck just about any dude in the bar on Friday night. I want a demonstration of love to be something a little more special; getting flowers for no occasion, buying a piece of art I’d enjoy, cooking my favorite meal, or taking care of me when I’m sick. Those things mean love. Putting your penis in my vagina does not.

*Pun intended.

  • It interests me when people talk about sex with those they hate, because for me sex IS inherently an act of love or at least affection and appreciation for the person (as well as their body). But that said your overall point stands — there are many ways to show love and a well rounded relationship contains them all.

  • Neamhspleachas

    I always find it interesting when people say that sex is inherently a love act.

  • For me it is… I can’t really perform unless I feel affection & connection for the person — it doesn’t have to turn into a long term relationship but some spark of connection has to be there.

    That doesn’t mean I think it is for everyone else. I always find it interesting when people can do things very differently, for example the concept of a ‘hate fuck’ is weird and exotic sounding to me.

  • Im with Kit on this. In the past I have engaged in heavy petting with men just because they showed some interest in doing so. I felt that they were doing me a favour. However, as a result, I was never wet enough for it to be an enjoyable experience.

    In the last days of my marriage, my husband and I had intercourse and that’s what it was. He climbed on and entered, I lay there and silently wept in the darkness as I felt the separation of two entities who had once been such a cohesive unit. The emptiness of the act seemed to emphasise the wrench as we ripped ourselves away from each other.

    With Ruf, we do make love. Yes, we fuck too but there is a very big difference when you connect emotionally as well as physically. You’re out on a limb and trusting someone else with your heart and if someone is giving the same back, it can be the most intense experience where you fuck each other with your eyes and your minds as well as your genitals.

  • Neamhspleachas

    I certainly agree that sex with someone you love can be considerably different than with someone you don’t love. I just don’t feel like I’m “out on a limb” when I have sex with someone that I’m in love with. Maybe I’m doing it wrong. :)

    I do feel like I’m out on a limb when I cry on their shoulder or tell them my deep dark secrets or rely on them to get the proper onions from the grocery store (I confess, I’m a bit of a control freak), but I don’t feel that sex is an intensely emotional experience so there’s no reason to feel a risk. If anything, I feel less vulnerable having sex with someone I love because I know that they already find me attractive, they don’t find my sexual preferences weird or strange, they will laugh along with me if the dog jumps in bed mid-coitus.

    Sex with someone you don’t love may be a bit more risky (because you don’t have the safety net of the things I just mentioned) but it also rather enjoyable. I feel like it’s more like capitalism, everyone shows up and tries to pursues their own interest, so I can be more focused on my own pleasure rather than my partners’.

  • Neamhspleachas

    Ah the hate fuck. I feel like I can have an intense chemistry with some people that I really do not like and that hatred had fuel desire. With no regard for each others feelings, people can be free to behave however they want. I feel like it’s the ultimate act of selfishness. It’s like eating the entire carton of ice cream without offering a bite to your housemate.

  • dmf

    i think it’s a choice. conscious, or not. or rather, you can say a matter of upbringing.

    but i don’t think there’s anything inherent about sex that makes it “an act of love”. if that were true, either all animals in the world experience love… or they’d never screw.

    i know my upbringing led me to see sex as an act of love and i damn well better not think of it as anything else. but that has since changed. although i’m still not in the “i can screw people i hate” club. and i don’t really want to be. but that might change someday, although i have no idea why it would. but then, i can’t see the future either.

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