This Is (Air Quotes) Advice?

“Advice is one of those things it is far more blessed to give than to receive.” –Carolyn Wells

People REALLY should be required to have license before they can dish out relationship advice. Oh wait, this guy has got a license…

From MSNBC.com comes the hokey named “SexRx” column, written by Dr. Ian Kerner. This article advises spouses to “defriend” each other on Facebook. (He refers to it as “unfriending,” thus continuing the age old tradition of adults being unable to keep with the lingo these days.)

The first three paragraphs describe three different scenarios in which half of a couple rails against Facebook.

First, Jake, who says,

“Let’s see, yesterday my wife: Felt bloated, realized she has nothing to wear, posted yet another adorable photo album of our boys dressed as Jedi warriors, was missing Michael Jackson and, oh yeah … DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH ME!”

Is the problem here really Facebook, Jake?

No, it’s that you and your wife aren’t fucking. And if you weren’t so busy whining about your wife’s Facebook updates and actually read them, you’d know she felt bloated. Which is probably why you didn’t get any nookie. That, or it’s because you’re a d-bag.

You wouldn’t have adorable photos of your kids in costumes if your wife didn’t bleed out of her twat every month. If you don’t want to put up with bloating or PMS or cramps, fuck a dude.

The second piece of anecdotal evidence Dr. Kerner provides for us is Katrina.

“Katrina, complains that her husband is constantly tracking her every Facebook move. “He’s always been the jealous type, but now he’s like a stalker. Every new friend is an interrogation.” Out of exasperation, she’s decided to deactivate her account, but feels angry and smothered. “It’s like I’m being monitored by the thought-police!”

Again, Facebook isn’t the problem. Your husband being psychotically jealous is. In fact, she even fucking says “He’s always been the jealous type.” No amount of technological-avoidance is going to fix your husband. He’d be a creepy stalker if he was Amish.

And finally, we have Fred, ironically the most boring name ever.

“Fred complains that every time his wife posts something to her Super Wall, he realizes just how boring their lives have become. “Do I really need to know that my wife is about to do something totally nutty like go have a second cappuccino? What happened to the wild woman I fell in love with?”

Again, the problem isn’t Facebook. It’s your boring fucking life. I bet you wouldn’t think it was boring to read your wife’s Facebook status if she was saying “OMG Skydiving is the best.”

Dr. Kerner’s stellar advice is:

“Go ahead, unfriend your spouse. You might just gain a lover.”

Sure, you might gain a lover if you deal with ALL THE OTHER ISSUES THAT ARE CAUSING YOUR PROBLEMS IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE.

And this guy has a PhD.

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