My Sexual Repertoire

“The First Amendment was designed to protect offensive speech, because nobody ever tries to ban the other kind.” -Mike Godwin

Playboy came up with a list of Ten Sex Acts That Should Be Retired. I can’t even remember who posted this on Twitter but I saw it and responded “Well…that takes care of my entire sexual repertoire.”

I’m generally opposed to eliminating anything from the bedroom (ya know, except for kids and animals and dead people and relatives). Sex should be fun and adventurous and different. We should try lots of stuff, not eliminate things because they are “played out.” Further, everything on this list is delicious. Several things get cut because the frat boy author has decided they aren’t fun for men. Look, Playboy, you can do better.

First, spanking. The author claims that people who enjoy spanking are “…bringing therapy into the bedroom…” Or maybe I’m just bringing my love of having my ass smacked into the bedroom. The author also claims you should only bring your genitals into the bedroom. He’s clearly one of those dooshes who thinks that using any sort of toy or prop means you’re less of a man. It doesn’t. Sure, people have been having hot sex without toys for thousands of years. They also lived without penicillin. However, the alternative he suggests, hair pulling, is also delicious. Can you spank me while you’re doing it?

Second on the list is threesomes. *Gasp* What the fuck? In his explanation, he claims that men have a hard enough time pleasing one woman. I don’t disagree that plenty of men have this problem. I’m not sure what dudes this guy has been fucking, however, because I’ve been pleased by a guy before. Further, threesomes aren’t just about a dude pleasing two girls. I like to please a woman too. Try to consider another perspective, pal.

Third is sex in the shower. The explanation promptly made my head explode. “Women love sex in the shower. They claim it’s sensual. This claim is highly disputable, since there’s nothing sensual about slipping, soap in the eyes or formerly hot water turning testicle-witheringly cold. Women like sex in the shower because they are all clean freaks. Sex is supposed to be dirty, stinky and sticky. It’s just part of the fun of the reproductive act.” So because women like it, we should throw it off the list? Great plan. Sex in the shower is sensual. And sex doesn’t have to be dirty to be fun (though dirty, sweaty, post-work out sex certainly is fun).

I’m willing to forgo number four, handcuffs, but only because you can do some damage with metal handcuffs. Get yourself a nice set of leather restraints and go to town… Also using fruit roll ups is a terrible idea. Fruit Substance + Skin + Sweat = Pain

By the time I got to number five, I was more or less enraged. The author thinks we should skip Brazilians. I realize he’s attempting (like with number two) to act as though he’s got the best interest of women in mind (…so much torturous ripping…) but he continues to come off as a paternalist asshole. How about you let me decide what to do with my “lady flower?”

For the safety reason, I understand the inclusion of road head, number six. Which is also why you don’t give road head on the highway in traffic. Try a nice, flat, stretch of roadway during an off time. Then head to that church parking lot and finish things up.

And again, in number seven, flavored lubricants, the author utterly neglects the female perspective. Apparently he’s a fan of “woman-flavor” ergo we should discontinue the use of flavored lube. That’s great, not enough guys do. But what if I don’t like “man flavor” or I just like strawberries? What about my needs dammit!?!

Eight is another one that is particularly disheartening. The author deems role playing to be “…a sign that one of you wants to sleep with other people.” First, so what if I do? Second, role play is healthy. We all have fantasies. And it’s healthy to act them out. Repressing your sexy nurse/doctor/furry fantasy should be on the list instead.

Hot wax, number nine, often gets a bad rap because people frequently fuck it up. You can’t just take any old candle, light it, and start dripping away. Do some good research on wax play and Ricky Martin it up.

Good old number ten. Hand jobs, the pre-sex sex (before purity rings forced people into anal). For every guy I’ve heard say that hand jobs should be banned, I hear another guy say he likes them. Just because it one of your first sexual activities, doesn’t mean we should dump it later in life. Hand jobs (and the female equivalent, finger bangs) certainly make for good foreplay. If you want to start with the old school and finish with something more “adult,” go for it. But let’s not ban them all together.

This was exhausting and annoying. There are things that should be banned from the bedroom. Things like lying about your sex needs and wants, being unwilling to please your partner, and not being open minded.

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